You, take out your boobs.

OK, quick explanation of today’s status update. My friends, Kirt and Morc for the purposes of this topic, and I were having lunch in the cafeteria at work. The topic went, unsurprisingly, to films before turning, even less surprisingly, to Italian horror cinema. There was discussion of a scene where a woman’s nipple is bitten off by her zombified child in an inexplicable series of events. Morc speculated that this scene was indeed written by someone at a typewriter, though with much incredulity I countered this postulation with doubt, believing instead that the scene was of a more improvised nature. I went on to propose that the scene played out much more like so:

Me (in my best Italian accent, sounding probably not unlike Sesame Street’s The Count): You, take out your boobs.

As Morc would gleefully point out now an older man happened to be walking by at this exact moment, and did a quick double take, having apparently overheard my command. He did not comply, much to everyone’s great relief, and walked on. He then came back over and sat behind us, probably hoping to get some idea of what had just happened. And that is the story of how I told an old man to take out his boobs. Cheers!

Is the media spending too much time covering Michael Jackson's death? Answer within!

Yes.

Rob Liefeld has no idea how gay his defense of "not gay" comic character is.

Rob Liefeld, of Levi's 501 commercial fame, raised his voice recently against outed creation, Shatterstar. Now, I haven't read anything about this character in a long time or anything by Liefeld in at least as long, but here's what I remember: He wore a hairstyle that combined the ease of the ponytail with the effort of a middle school girl's towering hairspray nightmare. He wielded pointlessly double-bladed swords. Every word he spoke was banal in a most quintessentially 90s comic book way. And now he's making out with another comic book dude. Congratulations, your first spark of personality, 'Star!

Except co-creator Liefeld came out (snicker) against it. Go Here: http://robot6.comicbookresources.com/2009/07/liefeld-cant-wait-to-someday-undo-shatterstar-development/ For This:
"As the guy that created, designed and wrote his first dozen appearances, Shatterstar is not gay. Sorry. Can’t wait to someday undo this." says the outraged Liefeld. He went on the give this astounding defense of why Shatterstar is not gay: “Shatterstar is akin to Maximus in Gladiator. He’s a warrior, a Spartan, and not a gay one.”

I don't think he's being homophobic, really. If anything he's just likely trying to get people to remember he's still alive without laughing. But what I do love about this is the way Rob tries to back pedal in the middle of his defense with "and not a gay one." It's like while he was talking the light bulb finally went off over his head and the little voice came on. You do realize that in defending your "not-gay" character you are likening him to some of the gayest shit in modern popular culture, right?

Betty pubic dyes, now in every color of the rainbow, ladies! (myspace 7/29/08)

I saw what has to be the greatest thing ever on the subway this weekend. We had just finished shooting the rest of the therapy scenes in Asher and I was heading home when a poster caught my eye for Betty brand dyes, for the "gray hair down there." Yep, touch up the graying pubes. I supposed that could help someone feel better about themselves...except for one inexplicable color: hot pink.
Yeah, you read that right. The color makes no sense in any context of the advertisement. If you're getting gray in the crotch you have no business having hot pink hair in the first place. Second, I'm pretty sure no one with hot pink hair has pubic hair anyway, because that would cover up some of her tatoos. The last reason I can think of is that you hope that maybe, just maybe, if the carpet matches the curtains you can make people believe that's your natural color.
Update- it also comes in blue with cut-outs for styling, including a whale!

Today I killed a dozen boys. (myspace 9/15/08)

That's correct. I killed them on the battlefield...with laser's!
My friend, Kirk (see friend's list) invited me to play laser tag here http://combatsportsusa.com/index.html to celebrate his birthday. We ran around in the woods, shooting lasers with, surprise, a bunch of little kids. But it was fun. Started off very rocky for me. I was the first one out on our team in each of the three rounds before we swithced bases with the opposing team. It was a much better position from which to defend. I did OK in the next two rounds which were team elimination. However, I found my position in the final round of capture the flag.
Rather than run around anymore because I am old and give out, as the man says, I stayed to defend the base. I must have shot half of their players, safely ensconsed in my hiding space. My weakness became a strength as I'm pretty sure I was so easily eliminated early due to my height (I'm nine feet, seven inches). But in the base my headgear, which registers your opponent's shots, was up in the ceiling. Our teammate, Billy, came back and we were firing away, picking off kids left and right. We owned the little snots. The referee called time eventually but declared us the winners as the other team couldn't get anywhere near us. Anyway, we left victorious and everyone had a good time. Thanks for the invite, Kirk (as well as the pizza, cake and beer) and happy birthday!

The IT Crowd, ep 2

OK, I gave The IT Crowd a second chance and was still disappointed. While the second episode was not as bad as the first it still suffers from the same flat characterizations, broad comedy and grating laugh track. The wig and glasses on Richard Ayoade still remind me of Andy Millman on When the Whistle Blows (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/When_the_Whistle_Blows#When_the_Whistle_Blows) far too much. The interminable plotline revolving around Jen's obsession with a single pair of shoes to the point of deformity was neither funny nor remotely original. I did get a couple of laughs out of the way Maurice handled the fire situation and the fact that he built his own stress tester when he wasn't allowed to use someone else's. However, the biggest, ripest target, the doctor giving the stress seminar, was entirely wasted on the dullest, simplest of ironies (lol he is really stressed, too!). Roy still has yet to DO anything to make me notice he's in the show.

Nearly all of the time dedicated to Jen's shoes and Maurice's lack of soldering wisdom could have been dedicated to fleshing out the stress therapist for a better delivery on deflating a self help windbag rather than aiming for the low hanging fruit of 'women sure are car-azy about shoes!' and nerds not having any common sense.

What I find most frustrating about this series is its middling sensibilities. It doesn't have enough balls to do a Dada approach and let the situations grow to absurdist proportions like, say, The Young Ones. But it lacks subtlety and depth of character to become a show where you honestly care about what's happening to any of the characters either, such as (to be cliche) The Office. Just when the show looks like it is about to really skewer a target it pulls back and relies upon something safe and easy to digest. For example, the boss character (who's so remarkable I can't recall his name or title) has all the makings of a tyrannical dictator, demanding more and more unreasonable tasks from his crew. Instead he begins to demand these things and then pulls back and threatens to fire everyone. Far too simple a punishment if he's going to make demand such as "you can't have any stress." The show needs to actually follow through on what it begins before it will make any progress.

I'm going to watch the full first series this week or next (I actually do have some packing, travelling and editing to attend to this week) but I'm frankly not expecting much from such a highly touted series. Thus far still unimpressed.

Yo ho ho, I TV critic am I part 2

The IT Crowd (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_IT_Crowd)

I also caught this pilot episode this weekend on Netflix. I had high hopes for it as it has been talked up for a while by friends of mine, has won an International Emmy for best sitcom and co-stars Richard Ayoade of Garth Marenghi's Darkplace and The Mighty Boosh fame. Those hopes were dashed by the end of the first ten minutes. The pilot episode of the first series was dreadfully corny, relying on the worst and broadest of 'IT tech are nerds' stereotypes as jokes and possibly the laziest and most grating application of a laugh track I have ever seen in a comedy series. Well, a British comedy series.
None of the characters are worth recalling anything about. Ayoade plays Maurice Moss, the Revenge of the Nerds style character with thick glasses, fuzzy hair and naivete so thick you can cut it with a knife. He gets very few lines of note, mostly just acting as though he doesn't understand what's going on around him. Chris O'Dowd's Roy is the other kind of geek showcased by this series, the smelly comic book dork with poor social skills and a chip on his shoulder. His dialogue is also quite cliched and trite. He is confrontational where Maurice was clueless. Their inept boss, Jen Barber, is played by Katherine Parkinson. The show begins with her being assigned to run IT by her own clueless and arrogant superior. In an ironic twist (yes, seriously) she knows nothing of computers. Hilarity. A series of sub-Three's Company attempts at sabotage and undermining the boss ensues until Barber's big secret is revealed. Roy attempts to rat her out to her own boss until it is established that everyone on a team will be fired if the team doesn't work together. Yes, that broadly is the manager character written. He's like something from a Monty Python sketch but lacking the depth and likely expected to recur. Eventually all agree it would be in their best interest to stop screwing one another over and work together.

I'm mildly interested to see where the series goes from the dull and clumsy set up. Now they are allies but what does this mean to them? Will they keep attempting to one up one another in a power struggle but with the subtlety not to get then entire dept fired? I am not in the least interested in a single of the only four characters from the pilot but the series began in 2006 and won the Emmy in 2008 so there must be some growth in between here and there. Given the nature of the comedy in the show this could be simply painful to sit through as well. I was hoping for another series on par with Garth Merenghi or Black Books but the pilot was all too much like the fake show "When the Whistle Blows" from Ricky Gervais' Extras.

Yo ho ho, I TV critic am I part 1

I watched a couple of new shows this weekend. Behold my terrifying reviews!

Parks and Recreation (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parks_%26_Recreation_(TV_series): The new series from The Office creators is, well, The Office. Instead of desolate midsized Scranton, PA it's set in desolate midsized (and fictional) Pawnee, IN (which is a fantastic name). I will start with what I liked about the show. The characters are very well realized for a first show outing. In half an hour I have a good understanding of who they are, what they are looking to accomplish and what their established relationships to one another are. The cast is very good to great. From Amy Poehler to Aziz Ansari, who I'm very glad to see more of, to newer faces to me, like Nick Offerman and Paul Schneider, everyone brought a lot to their characters' lives and outlooks. There is a sweet moment of sacrifice from one of the characters that I appreciated to establish the tone of this show, giving it a sense of generosity that makes the characters more real and human. At the same time, though, I felt Offerman's Ron Swanson could be the breakout character of the show as the boss of a small government office that believes very, very strongly in privatization of public services. His closing, Bobby Knight-inspired comments were brilliant. Given the nature of the sitcom format this is a very promising beginning. I would be interested to see where these characters take off from this platform. Giving the show the long term goal of establishing a park is a nice plot point and gives the show a solid if loose focus to work toward.

Most of my criticisms of the show are early pilot moments, places where both writers and cast are feeling out their characters. In one amusing moment Ansari's character reveals himself to be a self professed redneck. While funny I hope the series does not rely on these kinds of gags in the long term. My biggest problem with the show was Poehler's character, Leslie Knope. I had heard some initial comparison's to Michael Scott of The Office and for good reason. She is written exactly like that character minus some of the childish belligerence. She's going to need something to move her away from the Michael Scott role to establish P & R as its own series and get it out from under the shadow of its sister program. They are both delusionally optimistic in the face of a dreary, go-nowhere job and react to setbacks in too similar a manner. Much of her dialogue seemed written for Steve Carrel. I don't think this is insurmountable but it is a problem that should be addressed quickly by the producers before Knope simply becomes 'Lady Michael' to viewers.

Overall I find much more of promise than of dread in Parks and Recreation and look forward to the coming episodes of the series. (The pilot can be found at hulu.com)

Watchmen is really damn good.I hope I don't regret saying that in a month like I did with the Dark (Dark, I'm So, So Dark) Knight

I saw Watchmen yesterday with Kirk and, I have to say, I was pretty fucking impressed. Zack Snyder managed to tell the story as well as I think it could possibly be told, adhering to the story (or at least its spirit) while maintaining a strong screen presence. I'm going to avoid spoilers where at all possible. If you've seen it you'll know what I'm saying.
The acting is fair at worst (Akerman's Silk Spectre is a little weak) to incredible (Haley's Rorschach comes alive on screen). Most of the CG looks good and the characters are well realized for the most part. Wilson's Nite-Owl could probably have been a little more wishy washy but whatever (as a personal note I kept expecting him say "Give me some sugar, baby!" to Silk Spectre. He looks way too much like Bruce Campbell). Morgan's Blake/The Comedian comes across perfectly as the nihilistic asshole he's supposed to be. I felt at first that Crudup's Dr. Manhattan needed a little more detachment and that some effects to make his voice hollow and distant would have been helpful but by the end of the film I realized that would have been wrong. It would have made his comeback feel tacked on and false. Goode's Veidt/Ozymandias-cum-David Bowie was the perfect portrayal of this character. He's smarmy and infuriating with the knowledge that he's better than you in every way and he knows what's best for you.
Enough of the major plot points were hit that the story's integrity is maintained. Most of the subplot of the detectives investigating Blake's death was cut, and it affects the outcome of a couple of characters but its forgivable because the movie would have been four hours long and dull as dirt. The subplot about Rorshach's psychologist's home life and the newstand guy and comic reading kid were cut for similar reasons to no real loss to the film. The New Frontiersman makes an appearance only at the end, which I felt hurt its impact just a little. If you didn't know the story going in then the New Frontiersman would mean nothing to you. You'd have no reference as to what kind of material they print.
Snyder spared no possible amount of action, from the relatively meaningless attack by the gang on Laurie and Dan to the prison break and even beefing up the fight between Ozymandias and Nite-Owl and Rorschach. And I don't blame him. He is an action director. He's making an action film. The Comedian's death is particularly amped up in the violence department and it works fine.
Now, THE ENDING: Yes, the giant space squid is gone and for good reason. I am going to go ahead and say it- the BIG PLOT in the film is better than the one in the books. Its simpler and more devastating in its conception, more believable, more of a betrayal by the perpetrator and better tied into the rest of the story's mythology. The fact that God's wrath becomes real is much, much more effective than a space squid blowing up New York. Sorry, it is.
So, that's my two cents. Go see Watchmen. Its good.

Please stop hauling out Hugh Hefner's withered old carcass for comedic effect.

I've been watching the trailer for Miss Fucking March nonstop for the last several days, thanks to adultswim.com and hulu.com. Jesus Christ am I sick of this thing. Of all the awfulness to be found in this my absolute most horrific moment is the moment where they drag Hugh Hefner out of his medically induced coma, shoot him full of whatever they use on the horses on Derby Day and shove him in a chair long enough for a smug potshot at the lovable goofballs for whom he's providing life advice this time. Good God, can you just leave the man alone? Has the "Hef shows up" joke finally found its way to the bottom of the barrel now? If the rest of this trailer is to be believed then, yes, it has. Rest in peace, shitty joke. Never come back.

Someone got screwed at the airport...and it WASN'T me.

So, my friend called me this morning from Atlanta where he was on a pointless business trip. The main story he shared that I wanted to pass on was about a 'buddy trip.' There were two guys flying as friends of someone that worked for the airline and they were trying to get onto a flight with one free seat. The last part of this conversation my friend overheard was them talking about who they knew in the airline.

He boards the plane and takes a seat just behind first class. He's there for a few minutes when someone comes on the plane and informs one of the first-class passengers (FIRST CLASS!) that he needs to leave the plan to speak to TSA about the rifle that he has checked on the plane. He was apparently on a hunting trip. His bags had been removed from the plane and he and his wife left with security.

Just after this the ticket woman brings aboard the two buddy trip guys. They take the two first class seats and my friend overhears the woman saying "Are you crazy? I could lose my job for doing this!" Two coach passengers are offered the first class seats and move up and the buddy passengers take their seats in the rear. So, yeah, she screwed over some guy with the TSA and make him miss his flight. Remember that if security pulls you from your plane for no adequate reason.

I really need to stop watching the Simpsons

I don't know if anyone else has made the mistake of watching this season of the Simpsons or not but, goddamn, has it been awful. Between the iPod jokes (welcome to 2003) and Bart's cell phone crisis (welcome to 2001) was jammed the absolute worst episode I think that they could ever produce, Homer meets the Muslims (welcome back to 2003). Jesus, this has been an awful cesspool of malformed jokes, flat characterizations and piss poor writing. I firmly believe that the writers of the show are now kids who grew up writing fan fiction on some Yahoo user group in 1997 and think they can translate the same skills as professionals that got them beardo kudos online.

The thing that brought this to mind now, though, was the opening credits of the show. They've only changed twice of which I am aware in the show's history. First, because they were long and never changed save the Bart-writes-on-the-blackboard gag and the couch gag they just cut to the chase and showed those two basically. But now they have actually extended and refined some of the little jokes in the new credits, making them three times longer than before. And when I noticed this on this week's episode my first thought was, "Good, that will make the show's run time shorter." That's when I knew that the show, or at least my viewership, should really stop. When I resort to being more entertained by memories of when this was good television than I am by the actual new production I have officially lost interest. Good night and God bless.

P.S. Stop making Futurama movies, too. Those plotlines don't hold up for ninety minutes. Go back to episodic TV. You're very good at it.

Catholicism admits defeat

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/religion/4588289/The-Vatican-claims-Darwins-theory-of-evolution-is-compatible-with-Christianity.html

What better way to celebrate the 200th birthday of Darwin than by saying told-you-so to the Pope? I know I should more gracious in victory but, seriously, fuck you, your stupid hats and your bubble car.

Never do anything nice for strangers- Denny's proves why

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/02/03/BAIC15MLMT.DTL

I have no idea what these kinds of promotions are intended to prove. You can surmise from the evidence presented that this will result in no extra Denny's business. That guy who felt entitled to a free steak for no good reason? He won't be back and he won't be missed. That cop who's complaining that Denny's should have organized this better? He's pissed off that he can't just go in and lean on them for a free Denver omelet like he would normally do every day. The waiters got gypped, no one paid for anything and any goodwill that might have been generated was washed away in paranoia over the possibility of rioting over free eggs. And if you've ever eaten at a Denny's you know that the first thing they thought afterward was not, "Hot shit, that was awesome! I can't wait to come back and pay for that!" It was likely closer to, "Oh my lord! Do people do this to themselves regularly?" So, why did Denny's do this to themselves and their community? Hell if I know.

Superhero movie barrel finally gotten to the bottom of

http://www.newsarama.com/film/020909-YOungblood.html

Holy shit, what possible interest could anyone have in this? Young-fucking-blood movie directed by Brett Ratner...I can't even begin to fathom this. Has Rob Liefeld even been heard from in ten years? “Most of the great graphic novels are gone...” Ratner told the trade. You ain't fucking kidding, buddy, if you paid money for the rights to a crap comic that died out back when Image was still something people didn't snicker about. But how authentic will it be? Can they capture the feel of the comic? Will one actor take multiple parts with different wigs to display Liefeld's trademark inability to draw more than three faces or hairstyles? Will all the actors have some kind of grass and rocks attached to their shoes to really feel the essence of his complete lack of aptitude at drawing human feet? The silver lining in this story is that if he is off making a Youngblood movie at least Ratner isn't busy fucking up another, better comics property.

You can already guess where I'm writing this from...

You guessed right: Detroit! Goddamn, this town sucks me back in like the bog surrounding the Legion of Doom's Darth-Vader-helmet headquarters. OK, here's the rundown for THIS trip...
I got to Newark for my flight (that airport needs some more fucking signs telling you where the fuck everything is) for my 7:55-10:00 flight into Detroit, connecting to Lansing, MI at 10:30. The flight is delayed until 8:30, giving exactly zero minutes connect time. And we knew, Beth and I both fucking knew, when I bought the ticket that this was exactly where the trip was going to go wrong. And it did. Now, I am in the center of the Delta/Northwest terminal looking around at half a dozen completely ghost town desks. Besides the blinking light telling me to see about my 'cnx' there ain't a fucking soul that's going to help me figure this shit out to be seen. I called useless customer service in lieu of anything better to do and was on hold for a good ten-fifteen minute stretch. Finally, a couple of agents show up, and of course take several minutes to get their equipment online. FUCK, I am thinking at the top of my brain's voice.
Now for the inevitable news: no way can I make the connection. Being as it was weather rather than overbooking, engine failure or other act of incompetence, they are not responsible for what happens to me next. Beth can't leave to pick me up until 10 pm (2 1/2 hour drive minimum) so I'm looking at a 1 am pickup and another 2 1/2 hours back on whatever shit weather Michigan decides to dump on us. Fuck that. I got a 'distressed travelers' rate on a hotel room in Detroit and we will stay there that night. Fine, all is good. Flight leaves, get to Detroit, go to hotel.

Hotel never received confirmation from booking agency. There are no rooms. Argh. They take me a few blocks away to another hotel (pictured above- that sign says 'No Lifeguard on Duty') and I am finally in a goddamn room. Hooray.

Upshot is Beth got here around 12:30 (hence the delay in this post- I'm going to blog while my long-distance girlfriend is waiting?) and we are together for the weekend. So, yes, it was worth it again. At least I don't have anymore vouchers tempting me to fly this shitty airline again.

P.S. Sorry for all the cursing. I prefer my elocution to read more eloquently. I was just really frustrated.

You can probably already guess from where I'm writing this.

You guessed right: Detroit! Goddamn, this town sucks me back in like the bog surrounding the Legion of Doom's Darth-Vader-helmet headquarters. OK, here's the rundown for THIS trip...

I got to Newark for my flight (that airport needs some more fucking signs telling you where the fuck everything is) for my 7:55-10:00 flight into Detroit, connecting to Lansing, MI at 10:30. The flight is delayed until 8:30, giving exactly zero minutes connect time. And we knew, Beth and I both fucking knew, when I bought the ticket that this was exactly where the trip was going to go wrong. And it did. Now, I am in the center of the Delta/Northwest terminal looking around at half a dozen completely ghost town desks. Besides the blinking light telling me to see about my 'cnx' there ain't a fucking soul that's going to help me figure this shit out to be seen. I called useless customer service in lieu of anything better to do and was on hold for a good ten-fifteen minutes stretch. Finally, a couple of agents show up, and of course take several minutes to get their equipment online. FUCK, I am thinking at the top of my brain's voice.

NOw for the inevitable news: no way can I make the connection. Being as it was weather rather than overbooking, engine failure or other act of incompetence, they are not responsible for what happens to me next.

Times when I find the word toy inappropriate

I have found multiple instances where the word 'toy' really doesn't feel like it belongs in a sentence through the years. There are places where the word is entirely superfluous, in my opinion. I think the grandest offender of these would have to be toy balloon. I feel certain this is a holdover from a bygone era when the line between the lung-filled, county-fair-won object of a child's momentary affection and the helium-filled, Hindenburgian-consequences danger of the manly world of balloon travel had to be clearly drawn. Certainly the twain should ne'er have met in the days of waxed mustaches accepted as the norm and society women brought down by a scandal over the lack of layers of petticoats. Harlotry and strumpetesousness, indeed! However, I think we can all agree that now, in our times of jet travel, astronaut meals and impending robot-spawned doom, we can retire the term 'toy balloon' safely. Even if you are an eccentric billionaire traveling the globe by dirigible you are still in a toy balloon. Without the word 'weather' in front of it I feel we are safe to assume the balloon is a toy.
The other one that I read today was toy Frisbee. Was the Frisbee not conceived and designed as a toy? Has the Frisbee ever had professional, intellectual or military applications, the existence of which I have yet to learn? I doubt this in all sincerity. I really see no need to add the word 'toy' to things widely known to be toys, i.e. toy yo-yo, toy doll, etc.

On a somewhat unrelated note, tomorrow I attempt to venture into that bane of all travelers, Michigan, once more. Wish me luck and Godspeed, please.

What's with the new glut of WWII movies? Also, New Year updated.

I am at Beth's place while she's off doing s bit of work to keep the world's cancers at bay. I decided to check out some more movie reviews to kill time as I have been amiss in keeping up with these lately. Defiance, Good, Valkyrie, The Boy In the Striped Pajamas...is there anything out besides movies about WWII and the Nazis right now? Is this just the release for Oscar season because nothing stirs award-giving sentiment like concentration camps? Is there anything really left to say about this period? It all sounds like boring rehash to me, save the trailer I saw for Valkyrie, which looked like one of the lost Grindhouse trailers. I hate the way these all release in waves so there's never much of any difference playing.

Anyway, blah, blah, Northwest's customer service isn't receiving calls today on the first day that they are open due to high call volume. So, odds are they fucked me out of New Year's Eve and I'll never even get to yell at anyone over it. Grrr...